I don’t even know where to start, what to start with, how to word things, or.. anything at the moment. I feel like there’s a battle raging inside me right now, and I don’t know which side I’m on. Right now I’m tired as bear woken in the middle of hibernation, but I can’t sleep.. my mind is going 100 miles a minute, and I feel as though I have no way, and no tools to aid me in the reclaiming of my thoughts and such. I want to, but I don’t think tonight it’s a possibility. I have a stack of homework that I need to work on before I go to sleep.. not to mention the fact that I have to get up early and do stuff. It’s only the second day, but I feel kind of overwhelmed by everything that’s happening. I guess maybe you could say I’m scared, or perhaps I don’t trust myself. Maybe I’ve just been thinking way too much, and maybe I’m not as good a discerner as I thought myself to be. Self-doubt has a habit of getting to me; there’s barely anything that ever really bothers me, but doubting myself and my capabilities, doubt in my ability to stay strong and committed, the lack of trust and dependence on God that I so desperately need, now more than ever. Change happens in everyone’s life, some things welcome, some things not. Some change is super easy to get used to, and is welcomed with open arms, and other change is despised; a fight goes on all the time, contesting with said change. I don’t know where to go. I feel like I’ve talked my tongue out these past couple days, but I’m far, far from done. As much as I wish I could say that I know what’s going on inside right now, but I can’t. I wish with all my heart that I could. But I can’t. It’s the most awful feeling in the world, being completely helpless, be it when someone gets sick, or in situations like mine where I can’t make heads or tales of the hurricane blowing about inside. I get like this at night, after thinking all day… and maybe it’s a good thing to be able to write and get it off my chest.. to a degree. Maybe it will help me sleep… but maybe not. I want to go to sleep right now and wake up in the morning with everything neatly ironed out and all my school assignments done. This semester is definitely going to be a challenge. I don’t know where the heck it’s going to take me, and I don’t know what’ll happen to me personally. If these first three days of being back is ANY indication of what the rest will look like… I just might die! I don’t know, I don’t know, I don’t know. I hate stress. I NEVER get stressed, what the heck. Gah.
You keep him in perfect peace
whose mind is stayed on you,
because he trusts in you.
—Isaiah 26:3
I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world.”
Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. Not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid.
